This year I’ve been dealing with a sensitive issue that was draining both in time and energy. Additionally, it's been emotionally costly. I’ve felt guilt, like somehow I failed to be the right kind of leader. I have felt frustration, that it has taken time away from advancing the mission. I’ve felt loneliness. Because it's been highly confidential, it's like I've been carrying around this secret weight that I couldn't talk about with anyone. The situation has impacted many relationships and many projects we've been working on. I come home many days feeling this sense of worry that never goes away. I often find myself doubting my decisions and wondering if I deserve to lead.
Additionally, the major project I’ve been pouring into this year has been fraught with roadblocks. Organizational change has been painful and slow, and has affected people's trust of each other. Many are frustrated, confused, and even angry. I’ve been deeply discouraged. My team and I have put countless hours into this project and it feels like we've gotten nowhere. To be honest, some days I have no motivation to keep going and I sense myself becoming bitter.
These two situations have left me drained empty this year. It feels like ministry has been failing more than flourishing.
Recently, as I was sharing about some of this with a colleague, she pointed me to 1 Peter. I felt encouraged to read through it as I was preparing for our end-of-year communication. A few verses stood out:
Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. … So if you find life difficult because you’re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he’s doing, and he’ll keep on doing it. (1 Peter 4: 12-13, 19, MSG)These verses remind me that the emptiness I'm experiencing is a way that I can connect with Jesus and his suffering. I’m reminded that I can keep going, not because the situations have resolved or gotten any easier, but simply because God is still God. In a recent chapel at the office, we were similarly reminded that what sets Christianity apart from other belief systems is that we are called to embrace suffering rather than try to escape or transcend it. Suffering is what reminds us of our need for Jesus, and our unity with him as well. This truth is challenging to accept, but it is the reality that I'm wrestling with in this current season of ministry.
I’m also reminded that I'm not alone in my difficult experiences. Pat and I have loved reconnecting with many of our ministry partners over video chat or phone calls this past year. In doing so, we’ve learned about so many challenging things they're facing -- loss, grief, family health issues, job stress, and more. As I am praying for God to show up in my own hardships, I'm reminded to be in prayer for all of our ministry partners as well.
It's tempting to only focus on the ways ministry is going well to try to impress our ministry partners, to assure them that their investment is worthwhile. But as I discerned what to share at the end of this particular year, I felt like it would be inauthentic not to be a little more open about the hard things I've been going through. I hope these honest thoughts would bring us all to deeper prayer and to press in towards Jesus even more when we face tough things.
Thanks to all who have listened and prayed in the midst of these difficult situations. It's been hard to pray and I'm thankful that there are people praying on my behalf.
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