Failing Rather Than Flourishing

It's hard to sum up your ministry and life in one page or one email every few months. So I wanted to use this space on my blog to share a little bit about what God is doing these days in regards to some hard stuff in ministry

This year I’ve been dealing with a sensitive issue that was draining both in time and energy. Additionally, it's been emotionally costly. I’ve felt guilt, like somehow I failed to be the right kind of leader. I have felt frustration, that it has taken time away from advancing the mission. I’ve felt loneliness. Because it's been highly confidential, it's like I've been carrying around this secret weight that I couldn't talk about with anyone. The situation has impacted many relationships and many projects we've been working on. I come home many days feeling this sense of worry that never goes away. I often find myself doubting my decisions and wondering if I deserve to lead.

Additionally, the major project I’ve been pouring into this year has been fraught with roadblocks. Organizational change has been painful and slow, and has affected people's trust of each other. Many  are frustrated, confused, and even angry. I’ve been deeply discouraged. My team and I have put countless hours into this project and it feels like we've gotten nowhere. To be honest, some days I have no motivation to keep going and I sense myself becoming bitter.

These two situations have left me drained empty this year. It feels like ministry has been failing more than flourishing.

Recently, as I was sharing about some of this with a colleague, she pointed me to 1 Peter. I felt encouraged to read through it as I was preparing for our end-of-year communication. A few verses stood out:

Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner. … So if you find life difficult because you’re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he’s doing, and he’ll keep on doing it. (1 Peter 4: 12-13, 19, MSG)

These verses remind me that the emptiness I'm experiencing is a way that I can connect with Jesus and his suffering. I’m reminded that I can keep going, not because the situations have resolved or gotten any easier, but simply because God is still God. In a recent chapel at the office, we were similarly reminded that what sets Christianity apart from other belief systems is that we are called to embrace suffering rather than try to escape or transcend it. Suffering is what reminds us of our need for Jesus, and our unity with him as well. This truth is challenging to accept, but it is the reality that I'm wrestling with in this current season of ministry.

I’m also reminded that I'm not alone in my difficult experiences. Pat and I have loved reconnecting with many of our ministry partners over video chat or phone calls this past year. In doing so, we’ve learned about so many challenging things they're facing -- loss, grief, family health issues, job stress, and more. As I am praying for God to show up in my own hardships, I'm reminded to be in prayer for all of our ministry partners as well.

It's tempting to only focus on the ways ministry is going well to try to impress our ministry partners, to assure them that their investment is worthwhile. But as I discerned what to share at the end of this particular year, I felt like it would be inauthentic not to be a little more open about the hard things I've been going through. I hope these honest thoughts would bring us all to deeper prayer and to press in towards Jesus even more when we face tough things. 

Thanks to all who have listened and prayed in the midst of these difficult situations. It's been hard to pray and I'm thankful that there are people praying on my behalf.

What I learned NOT going to Urbana 18

On January 2, 2018, I returned to work just twelve weeks after giving birth to Lexi, and it's been one of the toughest, fullest years of ministry ever.

Our team took on the bulk of an entire organizational rebrand, completing it in half the time that most organizations attempt to do it, followed by another intense season of preparing for Urbana 18, our triennial student missions conference. I have told many that it's felt like running two back-to-back marathons.

Meanwhile, I was figuring out how to be a mom, and a working mom at that. I'm proud of the new rhythms and for each milestone we achieved as Lexi has transitioned from tiny newborn to an active toddler. But it's been lonely, exhausting, and emotional. I'm still processing the ways 2018 has redefined so much of my life.

So, when it became clear that I would not be able to go to Urbana, I had a mix of emotions. For many InterVarsity staff who are parents, getting to stay behind is often a gift. But for me, since it is one of the pinnacles of our team's work every three years, it felt greatly disappointing. I was sad, hurt, and frustrated. I felt like I was being punished for having a baby. It felt like I had to do all the work to train for that marathon, but I would not be allowed to cross the finish line or even be present when the rest of my team did.

In the time I've had to reflect, however, I believe that the Lord had a lot in store for me during these months of wrestling with this situation, as well as during the week of Urbana itself. As I continue to process, I wanted to share a few ways that God met me during the week that I was not at Urbana.

Rest
As I mentioned, this has been a tough year. By not going to Urbana, I was actually able to end the year quietly. Instead of being around 10,000 people for 6 days, I spent most of my time with just one little person. It was still tiring, hard work, but I felt like it was a much-needed rest from ministry work, rest that I didn't know I needed until late in the year.

 

Prayers Answered
I am so grateful for the many people who were not only praying for Urbana but for Lexi and me during that week. As each day passed, I tangibly saw how God answered prayers. Lexi napped almost two hours every day and slept past 7am each morning, something she has not done since then. I knew that God was answering prayers and making that week go almost as smoothly as it could have gone. I was concerned about how lonely it would be, but God provided a few different opportunities to meet with the friends who were still in town, which was not only a good way to get out of the house/pass the time, but also a needed social connection for me while Pat was gone.

Introvert Time
I did not realize this until the week of Urbana, but the time I had alone during those days was probably the most I've had since my sabbatical two years ago. Since becoming a mother, alone time has been especially rare and precious. But since Lexi took such good naps and went to bed smoothly, I had several hours a day to myself, and I loved it. I spent that time reading, journaling, working on a creative project I had been putting off, and just being quiet. I spent one night streaming one of the Urbana sessions, but I did it while taking a bubble bath (followed by folding laundry of course). During the weekend, when my team was all still working at Urbana, I had a normal weekend. I brought Lexi to my parents' house while I went to get a pedicure and did a little shopping. Out of all the things I received during the week, this introvert time was probably the most special to me. God knew how much I needed that time, and he graciously gave me more than I was expecting.

Special time with my daughter
Being a full-time working mom, I realized I haven't been able to spend as much time with Lexi as I'd like during these formative months and years. Because my work schedule was lighter while everyone was at Urbana, I had a lot of time with Lexi that I normally don't have. We went to the library, to an indoor playground, and a coffee shop that had a play area for kids. It may seem like not much, but to me they were treasured moments of just getting to be with my daughter and not be multi-tasking with ministry work or housework. I'm grateful for those days we had that were just the two of us.

No Longer Abandoned
More than anything, I was approaching this whole "not going to Urbana" thing like I had been abandoned. Abandoned by InterVarsity, by my team, by my own husband, and by God. I don't think I knew this until a few days before Urbana. I was sitting in our weekly chapel at work, listening to a passage from Isaiah 43. The words that stood out to me were, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you." We were invited to ask the Lord, what do you have to say through the words that stand out to you right now? What I sensed God telling me was, "Just as I will be at Urbana with 10,000 students, I will also be with you and Lexi. I will be with you in the most intimate, loving, and precious way. I am so wonderful and so sovereign that I can be doing mighty work in students' lives and also be meeting you where you are at while you are feeling lonely. I will be with you." 

I am so grateful for those words of love and closeness from my Father that day. As I entered into the long eight days home alone with Lexi, I could hear those words over and over again, and I really did sense that God was with me. I felt an intimacy with God in a way that I don't think would have been possible at Urbana. I saw his power and might through the quiet stillness of that week. My understanding of who he is as a global God was changed as I saw him also as "the God who sees," just as Hagar did in the wilderness. A global God isn't just doing things far off in the distance, he is near, He is here.


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A special shout out to my parents who came over a few mornings to watch Lexi while I was at the office, especially my mom who also brought lunch on those days, and for their help the day I went to get a pedicure. Also to Carolyn for bringing dinner one night, and to the other friends who I was able to meet with that week, including Mel who was my video message "pen pal". Also, thank you to the nice lady at the coffee shop who helped me clean up my tea that Lexi spilled all over the floor while I was trying to put on her coat. And for the teammates who texted and emailed to let me know things were going well or to show me pictures of some of our work at Urbana. All these people were God's provision and a great source of life to me and Lexi that week.