What I learned NOT going to Urbana 18

On January 2, 2018, I returned to work just twelve weeks after giving birth to Lexi, and it's been one of the toughest, fullest years of ministry ever.

Our team took on the bulk of an entire organizational rebrand, completing it in half the time that most organizations attempt to do it, followed by another intense season of preparing for Urbana 18, our triennial student missions conference. I have told many that it's felt like running two back-to-back marathons.

Meanwhile, I was figuring out how to be a mom, and a working mom at that. I'm proud of the new rhythms and for each milestone we achieved as Lexi has transitioned from tiny newborn to an active toddler. But it's been lonely, exhausting, and emotional. I'm still processing the ways 2018 has redefined so much of my life.

So, when it became clear that I would not be able to go to Urbana, I had a mix of emotions. For many InterVarsity staff who are parents, getting to stay behind is often a gift. But for me, since it is one of the pinnacles of our team's work every three years, it felt greatly disappointing. I was sad, hurt, and frustrated. I felt like I was being punished for having a baby. It felt like I had to do all the work to train for that marathon, but I would not be allowed to cross the finish line or even be present when the rest of my team did.

In the time I've had to reflect, however, I believe that the Lord had a lot in store for me during these months of wrestling with this situation, as well as during the week of Urbana itself. As I continue to process, I wanted to share a few ways that God met me during the week that I was not at Urbana.

Rest
As I mentioned, this has been a tough year. By not going to Urbana, I was actually able to end the year quietly. Instead of being around 10,000 people for 6 days, I spent most of my time with just one little person. It was still tiring, hard work, but I felt like it was a much-needed rest from ministry work, rest that I didn't know I needed until late in the year.

 

Prayers Answered
I am so grateful for the many people who were not only praying for Urbana but for Lexi and me during that week. As each day passed, I tangibly saw how God answered prayers. Lexi napped almost two hours every day and slept past 7am each morning, something she has not done since then. I knew that God was answering prayers and making that week go almost as smoothly as it could have gone. I was concerned about how lonely it would be, but God provided a few different opportunities to meet with the friends who were still in town, which was not only a good way to get out of the house/pass the time, but also a needed social connection for me while Pat was gone.

Introvert Time
I did not realize this until the week of Urbana, but the time I had alone during those days was probably the most I've had since my sabbatical two years ago. Since becoming a mother, alone time has been especially rare and precious. But since Lexi took such good naps and went to bed smoothly, I had several hours a day to myself, and I loved it. I spent that time reading, journaling, working on a creative project I had been putting off, and just being quiet. I spent one night streaming one of the Urbana sessions, but I did it while taking a bubble bath (followed by folding laundry of course). During the weekend, when my team was all still working at Urbana, I had a normal weekend. I brought Lexi to my parents' house while I went to get a pedicure and did a little shopping. Out of all the things I received during the week, this introvert time was probably the most special to me. God knew how much I needed that time, and he graciously gave me more than I was expecting.

Special time with my daughter
Being a full-time working mom, I realized I haven't been able to spend as much time with Lexi as I'd like during these formative months and years. Because my work schedule was lighter while everyone was at Urbana, I had a lot of time with Lexi that I normally don't have. We went to the library, to an indoor playground, and a coffee shop that had a play area for kids. It may seem like not much, but to me they were treasured moments of just getting to be with my daughter and not be multi-tasking with ministry work or housework. I'm grateful for those days we had that were just the two of us.

No Longer Abandoned
More than anything, I was approaching this whole "not going to Urbana" thing like I had been abandoned. Abandoned by InterVarsity, by my team, by my own husband, and by God. I don't think I knew this until a few days before Urbana. I was sitting in our weekly chapel at work, listening to a passage from Isaiah 43. The words that stood out to me were, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you." We were invited to ask the Lord, what do you have to say through the words that stand out to you right now? What I sensed God telling me was, "Just as I will be at Urbana with 10,000 students, I will also be with you and Lexi. I will be with you in the most intimate, loving, and precious way. I am so wonderful and so sovereign that I can be doing mighty work in students' lives and also be meeting you where you are at while you are feeling lonely. I will be with you." 

I am so grateful for those words of love and closeness from my Father that day. As I entered into the long eight days home alone with Lexi, I could hear those words over and over again, and I really did sense that God was with me. I felt an intimacy with God in a way that I don't think would have been possible at Urbana. I saw his power and might through the quiet stillness of that week. My understanding of who he is as a global God was changed as I saw him also as "the God who sees," just as Hagar did in the wilderness. A global God isn't just doing things far off in the distance, he is near, He is here.


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A special shout out to my parents who came over a few mornings to watch Lexi while I was at the office, especially my mom who also brought lunch on those days, and for their help the day I went to get a pedicure. Also to Carolyn for bringing dinner one night, and to the other friends who I was able to meet with that week, including Mel who was my video message "pen pal". Also, thank you to the nice lady at the coffee shop who helped me clean up my tea that Lexi spilled all over the floor while I was trying to put on her coat. And for the teammates who texted and emailed to let me know things were going well or to show me pictures of some of our work at Urbana. All these people were God's provision and a great source of life to me and Lexi that week. 

Reflections on my Sabbatical

Sabbatical already feels like it was a million years ago (almost as long as it's been since I last blogged!). Still, I felt like I would be remiss not to pause and reflect on what God did in my life between July and October.

Honorable mentions: photography, sleeping, and packing (kinda)

By far, the greatest gift that sabbatical brought was merely having time to myself. Being in a work environment where I'm rarely alone, and still adjusting to being married (I love Pat but I'm still an introvert!), I was so grateful for the many hours during the day when I could be still, be quiet, and just be.

Four of the ten books I read during sabbatical.

Bookworm

As I was planning my sabbatical I created a much-too-long reading list of books that I've been wanting to read for a while. I ended up reading nearly 3,000 pages (10 books) in three months. I could probably say so much more about each of them but here are a few thoughts on the ones that impacted me the most:

Quiet, by Susan Cain
Having always known I was an introvert (though as a child I didn't know the term for it yet), this book was incredibly affirming. While modern American culture favors and praises the charismatic, quick-thinking extrovert, I've always wondered if that meant I was less than or not enough. Reading Quiet helped me understand that I have a lot of gifts and strengths as an introvert, and that in fact our world is a better place because of people who think deeply, prefer to listen rather than speak, and are inwardly driven.

Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, by Ruth Haley Barton
Interestingly, this was the only Christian book I read during my sabbatical (other than the Bible of course). Similarly to Quiet, this book reinforced for me the value of solitude. Using the model and story of Moses, Barton describes the rhythms and practices that are essential to care for one's soul in the midst of exhausting, demanding ministry life. While reading this book, the Lord brought to mind a few personal situations that I hadn't had time to deal with emotionally or spiritually before. Having read this early on in my sabbatical, it helped set me up to continue using my times of solitude to rest, be with God, and hear from him, and to commit to doing that daily as I returned to work.

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown
I've been a Brené Brown fan for a while, ever since I was introduced to her widely-viewed TED talk. I was excited to read more of her work and chose this one based on reviews and recommendations. It was a pretty quick read and while there was quite a bit of repeat from other content I've seen of hers, what I took away from this book was that vulnerability is actually a display of strength, not weakness. But vulnerability is also inconvenient, disruptive, and scary. But are we willing to be inconvenienced for the sake of having relationships that are honest and real and courageous? According to this book, I would argue yes.

Creativity, Inc. by Ed Catmull with Amy Wallace
Ed Catmull is the CEO of Pixar and this book is all about how he fosters a creative culture at Pixar. Other than basically just wanting to move to California to work for Pixar (don't worry, I'm not going anywhere!), the book was so insightful and inspiring as I transition to being a leader of creatives in the ministry I do. It felt like the perfect book with which to finish my sabbatical. Again the theme of vulnerability and admitting what you don't know came up, and to me this meant that in order to empower people to be creative and take risks, I as a leader need to model that I don't have all the answers, and that we're on a journey of discovering new things together. In an environment when there is often a lot of pressure to go with the safe, easy, or cost-effective route, this process can be pretty challenging. But I think when we allow ourselves to fail and make mistakes, we end up learning a lot and discover even greater creative achievements. That is the kind of journey that makes me want to get up every morning and go to work.

Some random stats from my sabbatical

The Unexpected

Of course there's a lot more that happened in that three months, but I wanted to write about just one more thing:

Pat and I bought a house!

Our new home!

This was for sure the most unplanned part of my sabbatical. We had started the house-hunting process in early summer, but had no expectations that we'd find anything this year. However, in mid-August our offer on a house was accepted! We closed September 30 and officially moved on October 9.

Needless to say this hugely affected my sabbatical. Instead of doing all the things I had planned, I ended up spending quite a bit of time packing, cleaning, unpacking, and more cleaning. After we officially moved I felt especially restless, with my home space more disorderly than normal, and without any of my regular routines to fall back on.

Even in the midst of that struggle, I reflect on three things. First, my deep gratefulness for a house. Pat and I never thought that we'd be able to purchase a house in the near future, and God's provision in many ways has surprised and blessed us beyond our imagination.

Second, I think that beyond our move, September and October was actually a pretty chaotic time. There were some family situations, some close friends who moved away, Pat broke his nose (five days before we moved), and InterVarsity was going through some major PR issues regarding the organization's stance on sexuality. All of that made those days and weeks even more chaotic and disorienting -- it wasn't just our move. Reflecting on that, I now think it's okay that I felt restless and unproductive. It seems like when things change, it happens all at once! Maybe it was God's grace that this all happened during a time that I had more time and space to process it all.

Lastly, I reflected a lot on my tendency to measure my days by productivity. I have always known this about myself, but having many days in the last month of my sabbatical where the most productive thing I did was getting showered and dressed, I felt like God was reminding me that productivity is not what gives me worth. There are days when I can simply enjoy being me and being unconditionally loved by a God who sees me not for my achievements or efficiency, but just for being his beloved daughter. While I know I will always be tempted back towards "productivity", those last days of sabbatical will always serve as a reminder that my value comes from Jesus, and in that I can truly rest.

Reentry 

It has been about a month since my return to work. Being in a new role, adjusting to organizational restructuring (due to having a new InterVarsity president), and continuing to settle into our home, have all kept me pretty occupied. There are days when I almost forget that I had three months of rest, and days when I question, was it really that helpful?

I suspect that it will take time for me to truly glean what God would have me glean from my time on sabbatical. And meanwhile I will patiently listen and wait.

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Thank you to Pat, my ministry partners, and my team, all of who supported me and made my sabbatical possible. I'm grateful for you all and glad to serve alongside you in ministry.

A Story About a Handbook

I just realized I haven't blogged in almost four months! What have I been up to, you might be asking?
Well, there's really only one way to answer that: URBANA!

The final cover design for the Urbana 15 Handbook! The conference theme this year is "What Story Will You Tell?"

It's hard to believe this is my FIFTH Urbana, and my third one with the twentyonehundred team. That also makes this the third time I am designing the Urbana Handbook. Wow.

It seems like every time, I start out optimistic about how it's going to go. After all, with each Urbana I gain more experience on the process, learning what works and what doesn't, how to be more efficient, how to solve certain design problems, etc. However, I seem to always set myself up for disappointment because the Handbook is the most stressful project I work on in any given three-year cycle. And Urbana 15 has been no exception.

One thing that I've realized though, is that even as I work to see God work in the lives of others--in this case, the thousands of people that will attend Urbana--God seems to always want to work in me too. He's kind of all-knowing and all-powerful that way. (SIGH.)

Here are a few reflections on what I've learned during the past 2 months of working on this massive project:

 

I am not a patient person. 

I already knew this about myself, but it gets highlighted when I am waiting for content that never seems to come on time. On the Myers-Briggs 2, I am off the charts on the "early starter" category under Judging. It makes me really anxious to wait until the last minute on anything. I'd rather give myself plenty of time to complete a project. But when you don't have control over the timeline, this normally-good trait can cause a lot of angst, frustration, and even bitterness. Which leads me to another revelation...

A few shots of the hundreds of pages of drafts that has now creeped onto the empty cube next to mine.

I really like working alone. 

As a designer, this can be a great strength. I am self-motivated to work hard and always get things done on time. However, it can also be very difficult, especially when your project affects thousands of people, with literally dozens of different hands touching parts of the content. Where to put a specific mark on a map, which way we are spelling the word "theatre," the new title change for a seminar, a phone number or room number correction. These details are all determined by different people. And it is MADDENING!

Working on the Handbook forces me to work with several different people, and I don't like it. It's not that I don't like the people... it's just that because we're all people, we have different personalities, work styles, communication styles, etc. And so it makes for a really messy, complex, inefficient (which we know is pretty much equivalent to sinful) process.

 

But messy is good for my soul.

As much as I hate the mess and come home at the end of work days exhausted, drained, and frustrated, I know that God is using this process to teach me about patience, being more understanding, and communicating how I'm feeling even if that feeling is not a good one--all things that make me more like Jesus. So, as painful as it is, I am learning to be grateful for the experience (one that God seems to want me to have every three years; I guess I need to re-learn a lot of things!).

One of the more tedious aspects of the Handbook: marking and numbering every restaurant on a map so people can eat lunch!

God cares about details.

One way that I have particularly felt God's care for me in this process has been through reading through the book of Exodus in the past month. Now, after the Golden Calf/Ten Commandments drama, most of us tend to see the rest of this Old Testament book as really boring. Who wants to read about the cubit measurements of the Tabernacle? Who cares that each curtain had 50 loops on their top edge? Why does it matter which specific jewels get attached to the priest's robe?

However, as I've been working in details like adding commas and "the's" and spelling out the word "California" about fifty times (seriously, are ALL our speakers/leaders UC grads?), reading the chapters of Exodus has been such a good reminder of who God is. He's a detail-oriented God! So much that he would spend a good 15 chapters telling Moses exactly how to construct his Tabernacle.

And just like the artists who were appointed to create each piece of the Tabernacle, I, too, am creating space for God to be worshiped. I am helping thousands of people encounter God in a significant way. It may not have seemed glamorous when Bezalel's hands were cramped from cutting stone day after day, or when Oholiab's fingers were tired of sewing all those curtain loops. It was definitely not fun when I had to renumber 150+ seminars when they decided to change the numbering system half way into the process. Or to have to change the layout of the bio section because new people were added in at the last minute. (And don't get me started on the Oxford commas!)

But the bigger picture is that all these details add up to something that God sees as beautiful worship to him. Because with the use of the Handbook, students will be able to find their way around Urbana, select seminars that will equip them to be missionaries in every sector, and connect with organizations that are the perfect fit for their passion. What I'm doing really matters. And I am glad for that!

What appeared on my screen the day before the final file was due.

This is spiritual work.

On Thursday afternoon, approximately 24 hours before the final file was due to the printer, I came back from lunch, and my Handbook file, which I had been working on for two months with no problems, would not open. The file had somehow become damaged and would cause the software to crash every time it tried to recover the file. After restarting my computer, it still did not work. I asked my teammate to try opening it on her computer, no success. I tried a few other things before panic started to set in. Because, you know, of course, of all days and times, technology would choose RIGHT NOW to fail on me.

Normally I feel sheepish about those emergency prayers that we usually only send up when we haven't studied for a test. But this time, I felt like God might understand. 

There was simply no way I would be able to recreate a 210-page file in one day. It just would not happen. In desperation I prayed, God, please help.

When my husband came down to my desk for morale support, I had a brief meltdown with lots of tears and what was probably the closest thing to heart attack I've experienced to date. And then I called our IT Help Desk. After a little while, they were able to recover the file. Our network backs up twice a day, and the most recent back up had happened just half an hour before the file crashed. So I only lost about a half hour of work! The momentary crisis was averted!

PRAISE. GOD.

It occurred to me that this was not a coincidence. The enemy knows how important this handbook is to the success of Urbana. And he also knew that the day before it was due was probably the worst time to cause panic and stress. He certainly put forth a very good effort to cause this project to fail. But God prevailed. Again.

What can often seem like insignificant, tedious, hard work, can often be the places where God shows up in the most surprising way. I am reminded of God's intimate relationship with his people, even while he also has the power to affect thousands. Because while I know this Handbook will ultimately be used for the largest missions conference in North America, it has already been used in my life. And no one but God and me will ever know. Well, except you, if you've made it to the end of this blog post.

Infographic: A year in review!

It's been a big year! Pat and I got married, traveled over 15,000 miles, and contributed to many events and programs that led thousands of students to faith in Jesus. We're grateful for your partnership in prayer and financial support this year, and for your friendship and support as we joined our lives together in marriage.

(click to view larger)

We're looking to reach our budget by the end of June by raising another $5,000. Would you prayerfully consider giving a one-time year-end gift, or begin a monthly gift as we start a new fiscal year?

 

My (Ongoing) Ethnic Journey

Being a biracial couple, ethnicity is something my husband Pat and I talk about on a regular basis. We often discuss the tension we feel in InterVarsity. Although we work at the national headquarters, we don't see InterVarsity's value for multiethnicity demonstrated in very many practical ways at the office. For example, most of the leadership in the office consists of white older males, which has a large influence on how meetings are run, how people are supervised, and how decisions are made. Many ethnic minority staff feel voiceless and don't have a way to express certain painful experiences related to being an ethnic minority.

However, in recent weeks and months, many of our coworkers have started discussing these issues together. And Pat, being on the planning committee for our weekly chapel, initiated a three-week series on the topic of multiethnicity.With some of our coworkers, many of whom are also ethnic minorities like me, we worked on a series that would help the office be more aware of the dynamics that go on (such as white privilege), as well as encourage our coworkers to engage in this issue and pursue something better together.

For the second week of the series, we planned a panel discussion, and I was one of three ethnic minority staff who spoke about our experience at the office. We felt very vulnerable sharing some painful and hard things, but I was encouraged by the response from others who said thank you and who followed up with questions and conversation.

Since Pat and I don't often work together, we were energized to collaborate on this project. We hope it will bear fruit in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

You can listen to the panel here
(about 45 minutes long). 

The other two coworkers on the panel are David Hui and Haley Compean, facilitated by Lisa Rieck.

I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback if you do get a chance to listen to this!

Please continue to pray for InterVarsity. Although we have come a long way in making our organization more welcoming and inclusive to all ethnicities, we still have a lot to learn. May God give us grace as well as conviction to see His kingdom come in its fullness.

The Story of My Big News

So you may have heard: I'm engaged! Since I can't retell the story to everyone (I've already told it about 10 times), here's the story of how it happened!

When I left for work on that Wednesday morning (June 12), I noticed my roommate Amy was already gone. This is very unusual -- she almost always gets up later than me. My first thought was, she went to pick up Pat from the airport! I wasn't expecting Pat until that Saturday, but my suspicions about when he might propose made me guess that he could possibly show up early. However, there were no other clues indicating he was going to do that, I had just talked to him the night before.

So I checked Amy's desk when I got to work, and she wasn't there. I asked one of the interns passing by if he had seen her yet, and he replied, "I think she's picking someone up from the airport?"

I was right! Agghhh!!!!

But half an hour later I saw Amy and asked where she was. "Oh, I was having breakfast with my friend from church. It was a donor meeting and breakfast was the only time that would work."

Oh, makes sense. It seemed legit, and surely Amy would know better than some intern where she was! I believed her and went on with my day as usual, including my normal texting with Pat.

Little did I know, Amy had gone to pick him up, but his flight was delayed and so she had to go back to get him later in the afternoon. All the time I was texting Pat that day, he was just a few miles away!

Just before 5pm, my friend & office roommate Grete casually announced she was leaving early to get some reading done for her class. I thought nothing of it. Little did I know, she was leaving to go pick up Pat and bring him to my apartment. Amy was watching me from the room across my office to make sure I didn't leave too early, to give Pat enough time to get to our apartment and set up. They even instructed our intern to stall me in case it looked like I might leave early.

I went home around 5:45 as usual. I was not aware of anything that was going on with Grete or Amy or our intern.

When I opened the door, immediately I noticed the patio door was open, and I saw this standing on an easel out there.

I vaguely processed that it was an infographic, but I was more focused on how odd it was that there was something outside on the porch. Then I looked down by my feet and I saw Plopper, my little stuffed animal dog that I had given Pat. That's when it really hit me, Pat is here!!! But where?!?!

I walked out to the porch thinking he might be hiding around the corner. I didn't see him, but I did see that my camera was sitting on the ledge, recording a video. The following few images are captures from that video.

I glanced at the poster but I needed to find Pat! So I went back inside and looked in my bedroom. I saw his shoes and backpack, but no Pat. He wasn't in my closet either, I checked.

As I came back out of my room, Pat emerged from the kitchen pantry! In the video, there is an audible yell from me.

Stupidly, the first thing that came out of my mouth was, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" Um, duh, Laura.

I gave Pat a hug, still totally in shock that he was standing in front of me. I had just talked to him 10 minutes ago and he had suggested we do a video chat that night. I had been picturing him far away in California. I couldn't process that he was right there in my kitchen!

Pat was eager for me to go back out to the porch, so we went back out and he made me look at the poster more carefully.

 

I still wasn't totally taking in what the infographic said. I kept holding Pat's hand and trying to hug him, but after a few moments he pulled away from me.

 

He got down on one knee (and then we were at about eye level, hahaha), pulled out the ring box, and said, "So...will you marry me Laura Li?" I think he said something else before that but I really don't remember. There was no long speech, which I think was good for both of us because it was pretty overwhelming. The rain was coming down really hard too so it was hard to hear anyway (you can't hear much on the video.)

Well, of course you know the ending: I said YES!

Later on, I finally got a better look at the infographic and saw the bottom line said, "Laura's answer to Pat's next question?" with a blank spot for me to write in. I enthusiasticlly wrote in my answer:

It was pouring so we had dinner near by at Saigon Noodles (I think it is becoming our favorite place) and spent the rest of the night recounting the day and talking to family and friends via phone/text. I think Pat did most of the talking because I was still in shock. Overall it was a great day. I was so happy to have that moment all to ourselves. :)

Oh yeah, here's the ring! (It's a dark blue sapphire, even though it looks black in the picture.)

I wanted to say thanks to my friends and Pat's accomplices - Amy, Grete (who designed the infographic) and Courtney (who printed and mounted it). It's only once in your life when you feel so loved because your friends lied to your face. :)

I can't wait to be married to Pat. He is a great man who loves Jesus passionately. He challenges me and empowers me to be who God made me to be. I'm thankful for how God has worked in both of our lives to bring us together.

Please pray for us as we prepare for marriage, and also as we transition to now living in the same city - something we are both excited about but are aware will need some time to adjust to. God has blessed us so much throughout our relationship already, I'm excited for what he has next for us!

It's the Great Missions Conference, Charlie Brown

I haven't done a lot of pumpkin carving, but this year I was given a pumpkin for my birthday. So I took the opportunity to carve the Urbana logo into it. It was the perfect Sunday afternoon activity!

Singleness Sucks, Sometimes

I apologize for the lack of posts here these days. As you know, I am swamped with work on Urbana 12. However, I wanted to share an excerpt from a post I recently wrote for InterVarsity's national blog. It's the story of my experience as a 30 year old single woman and what God is teaching me in this season of life. Since it was posted Monday, it has been viewed over 1,200 times! I thank God for the opportunity to encourage and challenge others through my personal journey.

"Drew Barrymore plays a twenty-five-year-old who’s never been kissed in one of my favorite movies from the 90s. Okay, actually, all of my favorite movies are from the 90s. I’m a product of my generation.

Well, here I am, days away from turning 30, and I can still relate to this movie. And it’s not just because I can still pass for a student. (Yay Asian genes!)

I’ve never had a boyfriend."

 [Read the whole post here.]

Encouraged

my friend, former student and now colleague, Grace

Yesterday one of my former students, Grace, now on staff with InterVarsity, posted this as her status update on Facebook:

"writing up a church presentation and remembering the impact InterVarsity made in my walk with Christ - thankful to Laura M. Li who met with me almost 6 years ago to explain the Gospel message which led to me rededicating my life to Jesus."

How awesome is that?

I can't tell you how encouraging it is to be credited for helping a student rededicate her life to Christ. This is my raison d'etre. :) This is why I continue to devote my life to serving Christ through InterVarsity's ministry. We're truly in the business of changing lives, and I am so honored to be a part of it!

I said YES! at Urbana

I couldn't tell you the names of most of the speakers or what they said specifically. I don't remember the lyrics to the awesome songs we sang. I don't remember the name of my small group leader or any of the seminars I went to.

But I distinctly remember the moment during Urbana 03 when I said, "Yes, Your Majesty."

scrapbook pages of my Urbana 03 experience

We were in the Assembly Hall, the worship team was playing some song, and 16,000+ voices were singing at the top of their lungs. All the moments that week led up to that one, when I raised my hands in surrender and said, "Yes Jesus, I will follow you wherever you call me. I want to live a kingdom-oriented life."

At the time, I had no idea what saying yes would mean. It was a little scary that there was so much still unknown. But at the same time, I felt peace. I knew that committing to be a part of his kingdom was the wisest decision I could make. It was simple: there was nothing else I wanted more for my life.

apparently even then I was designing for Urbana!

It's been almost nine years since that moment. Since then I've been to two other Urbanas and spent almost six years on staff with InterVarsity. Some of my experiences have been challenging, frustrating, discouraging. Others have been overwhelmingly joyful and fulfilling. But I don't have any regrets to saying yes.

At Urbana, God will take a hold of your heart and give you a glimpse into the amazing plan he has for redeeming the world. He will call you to join with him in this worthy mission. And if you say yes, it's like no other "conference high" - it's the real deal. Your life will forever be changed, and you will know no greater joy.

I can't say where else God will bring me in the next nine years, but I know I want to keep saying "Yes, Your Majesty."

Urbana 12 is just months away. Register now, it's worth it!

>> REGISTER HERE <<

Go here to read the blog post I wrote just days after Urbana 03.

Reflections on Leadership

Coming off a trip to southern California to attend the Asian Pacific Islander Women's Leadership Conference, I've been reflecting a lot on what it means for me to be a leader. I share these honest, inconclusive thoughts with you in hopes that you will get a glimpse of what God is doing in my life.

Throughout my years with InterVarsity, I've always had a clearly defined leadership role. As a student I was on my chapter's leadership team for two years and during my senior year I led a Bible study. During my three years on campus staff, I discipled three women and led small group leaders' training every week. I taught and trained students at conferences and events that I also was involved in planning. I gave Bible expositions at large group meetings.

a banner I designed for APIWLC

But in my current role as a graphic designer, I'm actually just a minion. I have projects assigned to me and my work needs the approval of my supervisor and clients (who are actually my coworkers) to be completed. I need to ask permission to take on new work. Any ideas I have need to be approved to be implemented. Although our team is collaborative, there aren't many situations where I'm the leader of the team. In fact, in the one place where I do have some leadership (2100's weekly infographics), it is the most unofficial part of my job. Although I spend a large portion of my time on it, it's treated as the lowest priority. As such, I've always felt hesitant to embrace my role as a "leader" of this project.

Calling myself a leader in my current role feels like a bit of a stretch.

I've learned that my identity as an Asian American, as a woman, and an Asian American woman play a significant role in how I interact with and encounter my work context. I am currently the only Asian American woman on my team, and in our office of about 100, there are only 4 or 5 of us. My team (as well as the office) is dominated by white, married, older men. As far as I know, in its 35+ years of history, twentyonehundred has always been led by a white man.

Some people may think race or gender no longer matter, that we're in a "post-race" world. But it's something I am always aware of - especially now that I do not have a local Asian American community in my life. Whether or not it's felt by others, I am always conscious when I am the only Asian American in the room. I sense that I take up less space, physically, yes, because I am 5'2" and less than 100 lbs. But I also take up less space in the conversation, in the way culture is formed, in decisions that get made.

My ethnic and gender identity are all wrapped up with my perfectionist tendencies, my hesitancy to speak up early in a conversation, my desire to go with the flow and maintain harmony. This raises many challenges in how I represent my voice, my point of view, my experiences to the people I work with.

One of the things we talked about at the conference was how Asian American women often sell themselves short. We will rarely take credit for our accomplishments; we do not like to tell people that we're good at something or that we have something to contribute. It goes against everything we were told about how to be a "good Asian girl."  I've realized that this is very much how I operate. I'm self-deprecating and hesitant to feel proud of my achievements. When I do receive praise, I feel sheepish, even guilty. I tend to use humor to offset my discomfort in talking about my abilities and qualities.

In case you didn't know, I love Disney. and L is the Roman numeral for 50. I posted this image all over the office when I came back from the conference. It's been an ongoing joke for a few days now.

Several times throughout the conference, we were reminded that God created us in his image. I have worth, I have value. I am a daughter of God, dearly loved and called to do good things that he prepared just for me. I am enough.

Hearing that was so deeply healing and encouraging to me. I came into the conference feeling emotionally drained, with low self-confidence and not much excitement about being there. While those things were still on my mind, I did sense a deep reassurance that God was present with me at the conference, and that he wanted me to be there. He reminded me, "I am writing your story, Laura. Trust me."

during a brief journaling/art time, I drew out a few phrases I heard God telling me.

I know that the journey continues, now that I've returned to my context, in all its imperfections and challenges. I want to believe that like Esther, God has called me to where I am "for such a time as this." But I also am aware that there are obstacles: deep set cultural norms, working against the majority, my own inhibitions and bad habits, the desire to go the easy route.

I wish I could conclude these reflections with a certainty that now I feel totally empowered to change the world. But I'm not so naive to believe it'll be easy. I'm still learning, processing, and growing into the Asian American woman, and the leader, that the Lord has made me to be. Only He knows how the story will go.

James 4: the way of greed vs. the way of grace

sorry for the delay in posting for chapter 4! i've had the design done in pencil for a while, but haven't had the chance to get it polished up. 

chapter 4 was full of cause and effects, which makes for a nice, pretty flow chart. it all begins with 'desires that battle within' - ie: SIN.  as in many other passages in scripture, there appears to be a choice between two paths: friendship with the world (enmity with God) or humility before God. the crazy thing though, is that it isn't our own actions that get us what we want. it is all about grace. 

"Come near to God and he will come near to you." (8a) 

It is God who comes near to us. we do have to make the choice to submit ourselves to him in every way, recognizing our sin, but it is God ultimately who comes near to us and changes the entire flow of the flowchart! this is the Gospel! 

thank you Jesus, for giving up your life so that we could have intimacy and friendship with God our Maker. thank you that we no longer have to go down the way of greed because you have provided the way of grace!

James 3: it only takes a spark...

click to enlarge

 I kind of struggled this week to figure out how to visually represent this chapter. In the end I had to go with something simpler than what I imagined. But I was struck by James' use of many different metaphors to express the way that a person's speech (tongue) can have a huge impact on the person as a whole. There were all these small-ish things that had a large impact. A horse can be turned one way or another by the bit in its mouth. A ship is steered by a small rudder. A forest fire is created from just one spark. 

⁵ Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. ⁶ The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. 

James isn't just talking about an individual person's speech affecting that same individual person. He actually begins the chapter by warning people that 'not many of us should become teachers'. Why? It's because he realizes the impact an influencing agent can have on the larger community. The tongue has great potential for bad but also for good. It's a warning but also a challenge. Those of us who are in leadership positions, especially those of us who speak often (verbally or otherwise), have great potential for good and bad influence. What are we going to do with the power and potential given to us?

James 2: Favoritism and Faith

Chapter 2 of James contains some pretty deep stuff.  Here are my attempts to summarize...

The first half talks about favoritism and judgment. I found this highly convicting. How quickly I judge people based on outward appearance. I'm drawn to people who are popular, charismatic, beautiful, intelligent and charming. These are the social "riches" in our culture today. And while I may not be outwardly mean, I do tend to avoid or ignore people who I find socially awkward or less attractive, those who are socially "poor". I hate to admit this, but it is true. James admonishes people like me, who favor the rich over the poor. The thing that brings us back to equal ground, is what all of us have in common, rich, poor, you and I: "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it." (2:10). I am a rotten sinner, no matter how good I appear, and therefore, I have no right to judge others based on their appearance. Man. So much harder to actually live out!

The second half is where the big meaty stuff is (as if the 1st half wasn't already pretty heavy!)  This is the famous "faith without works" passage! It's a complex concept, and I definitely don't claim to understand it completely. BUT, I think there is also something simple about this: Faith that is not demonstrated by action is not real faith. Verbal profession without any consequential change in lifestyle, is meaningless and empty. It's like having a car but never getting in, starting the ignition, and driving it. What is the point? The engine may as well be dead.

The tricky part is when 2:24 says "You see that people are justified by what they do and not by faith alone." Doesn't this contradict what Paul says in Romans and elsewhere in his letters? Doesn't the new covenant eradicate our obligation to the law? No and Yes. James here is talking about actions that are a response to genuine belief and profession of Christ. He never says that faith is not necessary. It is. It's completely necessary and essential. The kind of works that Paul says is meaningless, is the kind that replaces faith. Doing a bunch of dutiful, obedient actions in hopes that you can earn your way to salvation is what Paul criticizes. I think Paul would be the first one to agree with James that real faith means a faith that is demonstrative and life-changing.

This definitely doesn't do justice to the 'faith and works' discourse, but I hope it was at least partially helpful. The takeaway point for me is that I need to ask myself, "What am I doing that shows real faith?" If I have a hard time seeing actions in my life, why is that? Have I been leaning on an inaccurate view of 'faith alone'?

Some food for thought.

James 1

James has been quite a challenge so far! After a week of personal study, I kind of realize why I hardly ever hear it preached on or study it in group Bible studies. Some commentaries I've read have said that certain scholars think there is no real clear theology in James. It's important though, to note that James was likely writing to Christian Jews who already had a pretty solid basis of theology. His focus landed more on practical living, as in, knowing what faith looks like and feels like. In some ways, this can be more challenging than talking about God theoretically isn't it?

For example, in the first chapter, one thing that James talks about is anger, speech and listening. These are 3 things that I know I deal with each and every day of my life. I'm much more prone to quickly get angry than to quickly listen. I say things that I really shouldn't. It's only natural, right? And yet according to James, it has everything to do with my faith. Being a 'doer' of God's Word means being slow to get angry, and being quick to listen. Lord, help me be a doer and not just a sayer or thinker.

So, I know that 'righteousness' can't really be measured. Because compared to God, our righteousness = 0. But I thought it might be fun/insightful to create 'infographics' based on what I'm learning in James. Here are a couple from chapter 1:

click to enlarge

James

Something I miss about being on campus staff is having a good source of accountability to do consistent, in-depth Bible study. As I leaned towards using most of my time on campus working with small group leaders, I used my own personal time in Scripture to prepare and know the passages that the leaders would be leading. I've had some pretty great times in both Hebrews and Luke because of that. I have grown so much in my understanding and love for God's Word.

My first year in Madison I was not participating in any group Bible study, and because of that my own quiet times suffered. This year I made an intentional effort to rejoin Bible Study Fellowship, as well as a Bible study group through my church. It has been a great year of studying Isaiah in BSF and Daniel in my church group.

Now that the summer is here, BSF is ending and my church group will meet less often. I really don't want that to affect being in God's Word on a daily basis! So I've decided to study the book of James this summer, or at least the beginning of this summer since it's only 5 chapters.

I'll try to post some updates on what I'm learning and thinking as I study through it. It should be a good study... I haven't heard James preached on much, nor have I ever studied it closely. Looking forward to getting to know James as well as learn what God has to say through his letter!

2.5 generation ABC?

with some of the Great Lakes East staff 

at AASC in San Francisco, CA

If you're in the InterVarsity world you will hear the term "ethnic journey" used quite often. This is talking about an individual's discovery of their ethnic identity... in essence, a discovery of who God created them to be. Each person's journey starts and develops at different paces. I would say that mine didn't really start until after college. And throughout these past several years I seem to come in and out of actually facing my journey and reflecting on what God is teaching me.

Coming back from the Asian American Staff Conference, I am once again brought back to taking a few steps along my journey. And I think having spent 10 days in California, a place where to be Asian American is to be the majority, also affects how I think about my identity.

As an Asian American in the Midwest, it is hard to ignore the reality that you are not like everyone else. Further, among the few Chinese Americans there are around here, if your story isn't the typical "parents were born in Taiwan and came here for school" kind of story - you also don't seem to fit in. How can I expect non-Asian Americans to understand that I'm ABC (American-born Chinese), and yet my parents grew up in the Philippines, thus identifying much more strongly with Filipino culture than with Chinese culture - when other Asian Americans don't even get it? "Wait, so...what are you?" seems to be even more common than "So, where are you from?" Seeing how my experience further differs from Asian Americans in California was a time for more reflection.

There was a moment in one of the breakout sessions at the conference when we were asked to introduce ourselves and also tell what our ethnic background was. As the other staff went around the room, most were calling themselves "2nd generation Chinese- or Korean-American". I found myself conflicted because I don't actually know if I should call myself 2nd generation. For most of my life I have said "2nd" - but have always felt disconnected from other 2nd gen Asian American friends. What defines what number generation you are - is it the number since immigrating from your country of origin? Or is it the number since immigrating from Asia in general? I don't really know. If I'm 2nd generation that implies my parents are 1st. But neither of them have ever set foot in China. So... what does that mean?

I haven't quite resolved this yet, but I'm considering calling myself 2 1/2 generation ABC. Usually the "1/2" implies that your parents are different generations from each other. So, I'm not quite sure if that's quite right either. Perhaps I should say 2nd gen Asian American and 3rd gen Chinese American?

In any case, I am in the process of embracing the fact that my experience isn't the same as everyone else's, and that's okay. In one of the seminars, a leader in Asian American Christian history and research said that one of the greatest gifts the Asian American Church can give to the Global Church is to show that faith is embedded in culture, and is expressed in a wide diversity of ways. There is no one single Asian American experience, and that is what makes being Asian American so unique and interesting. And I love that I get to be a part of this community where I can learn how each expression of culture impacts how our faith is lived out. The next step for me is to figure out how my culture and background makes me especially gifted to express a part of the body of Christ that no one else can.

What's ahead...

Life after Urbana has slowed down quite a bit - I am not complaining! I'm hoping that the slower pace will give me space to get more involved in a church community, as well as establish other activities where I can meet new friends. The pace is about to pick up again though, due to a lot of traveling in February and March. Here are some of my upcoming travel plans:

Feb. 5-7: Great Lakes East Asian American Leadership Conference, in Ohio. 
This is only the 2nd time my former region has had held a conference specifically for Asian American students. The focus will be on leadership development. I was on the planning team up until I left the region, so I am excited that I get to go and see what God will do there!

Feb. 17-22: London vacation! 
Super excited! It's been almost 11 years since I was last in Europe.

Mar. 4-7: Asian American Staff Conference in San Mateo, CA. 
We have this conference every 3 years. It will be great to spend time with other Asian American staff and have a time of training. I'm also going to work on some of the designs for it, so it's extra fun!

Mar. 8-14: Visiting friends/family in California
Since I'm already going to be in California, I'll be spending a couple of extra days in the Bay Area visiting friends, then driving down to LA to see my sister and other friends. Looking forward to some sun (hopefully)!